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Giving Advice With Detachment

As a projector, it may be hard to detach yourself from the advice that you’re giving.

Why is this?

Because you care about other people!

And it’s totally normal to feel this way. No one wants to watch those around them struggle senselessly if one tip could help them save time, energy, or sanity.

But if you give advice, unprompted, you likely won’t be heard the way you mean it. It’s what I like to call “the Projector Paradox.”

The Projector Paradox is that even though we have so much helpful advice to give, we are only able to give it when it’s asked for.

There are some loop holes to this though, and if you missed yesterday’s blog post, you’ll want to read that one to understand the loop hole plus other tips you may not have know about being a projector. You can find that one here, it’s called What It Means to “Wait for the Invitation” as a Projector.

So other than having to wait for the invitation to give advice, what’s next?

It seems like a simple answer. “You just give the advice.”

But how many times have you given advice only to find out that the person who asked you for the advice completely disregarded it anyways?

Then they ended up in a worse off situation and if they had taken your advice, they would’ve solved it?

The amount of times this exact scenario happens in projector’s lives is steep.

And I’m sure you’ve felt the tinge of upset within you when you hear this scenario from the person you gave advice to.

So, I ask again, what’s next after you receive the invitation?

Let’s break it down.

1. You DON’T jump in and give advice right away.

This seems counterintuitive right? But just because someone has recognized you and invited you, DOESN’T mean that they’re open to RECEIVING advice.

So when they ask you for advice, first fire off some helpful questions for THEM to self-guide themselves.

What does that look like?

  • “Well, let me just make sure I understand this correctly, what’s the most important part of this situation to you?”
  • “Let’s look at it this way, if I was the one going through this situation and I came to YOU for advice, what would you say?”
  • “Which way are you leaning?”
  • “Do you feel like you want to do one thing more than the other?”

The objective here is to reword what they’re telling you, and ask them insightful questions that can help lead them to their own answers.

Of course, you don’t have to be as formal with the questions back as these are, but you get the point.

Why do we need to do this?

Most times, people are seeking validation for the way they want to go. Most times, they’ve already made up their mind what choice they want to make, they just want someone to suggest it too.

Both of these are reasons why it’s important to help them build trust within their own decisions.

Let’s be honest here, we’re not always right (no matter how many times we actually are).

No one EVER has more understanding of someone’s situation than the person who is DIRECTLY INVOLVED in it.

And even if we ask all the questions necessary to find out every bit of information about it, we still CAN’T know what’s the best option for THEM.

Why?

Because we HAVEN’T lived their life. We don’t know their priorities. We don’t know their fears. We don’t know every single previous experience that they’ve been through. And it would take as many years as they’ve been living to understand them entirely, because they would have to recount every single second with us.

Not only is that impossible, but it’s also just the entirely wrong way to handle any situation.

The next point brings us to why that is.

2. Help others build trust within themselves so they can handle challenges better in the future.

As a Coach myself, this is one of my BIGGEST goals with every client.

Because I don’t want them to have to depend on anyone else to make clear decisions.

Will there be mistakes along the way? Of course! We’re human. This is literally what we’re here to do.

And if you didn’t already know, mistakes lead to success. Failure leads to success. It’s all a learning process. And you actually fail your way to success.

That’s a topic for a different time, so let’s get back to this.

Asking insightful questions helps them pull out their own answers and their own true thoughts and feelings about the situation.

And not only that, but it shows them that they COULD do this for themselves in the future.

It shows them that they ARE the authority and decision maker in their own life.

It shows them that YOU support them no matter what decision they decide to make.

And it gives them the confidence that their decision won’t be judged harshly as they believe it will be. It’s only their own judgement of themselves.

When you help them build trust within themself, they feel SAFE. They feel COMFORTED. And they bond with YOU on a deeper level because they were able to find all these amazing things with you around.

I have a friend who actually comes to me instead of some of her other friends because she KNOWS that I won’t just automatically jump to one side or the other in a situation. I won’t lie to her and tell her she was right if in fact she wasn’t.

She comes to me because she TRUSTS that I have her best interests in heart for the LONG TERM, not just for some short term validation. She comes to me because I’m objective and I bring a unique perspective and great questions.

And above all, I LISTEN.

I don’t diagnose, I don’t rush to the rescue, I don’t try to fix; I LISTEN first.

Then I help when asked or when I feel she’s gotten it all out and is now ready for some open conversation.

Which leads me into point number 3.

3. Ask what they want from you first.

When someone recognizes you or is coming to you about a situation, ask what they want from you.

Do they just want to vent it all out? Perfect, you can be all ears and just listen.

Do they want feedback on their part in the situation? Perfect, you can prepare for that.

Do they want a total solution? Perfect, you can prepare for that as well.

Asking them what they need from you in the moment before the conversation has begun will lead you to 10x better conversations overall.

You won’t be overstepping any boundaries when you ask.

You won’t be rushing to fix something while they’re feeling left unheard because it seemed like you just wanted to fix them.

Essentially, you sidestep almost all miscommunication AND you deepen your bond with them because NOW you’re being there for them, the way THEY NEED; not the way YOU THOUGHT they needed.

And after ALL of that, if it comes down to it where, yes, they are seeking out your advice and your opinion, then go ahead. BUT make sure to release the expectation that they will take your advice.

For example, instead of assuming that they’ll heed your advice, assume that they won’t and let yourself be pleasantly surprised if they do.

And realize that they are their own person. They’re going to make the decisions most in line with themselves. And that’s OKAY. Because they’re the one that has to live with the outcome.

Everyone makes the decisions they think are best in the moment, with the information they had at the time.

And if you get upset with someone else not taking your advice, you’re giving license to other people to be mad at you when you don’t take their advice.

And I guarantee that YOU don’t like other people trying to force you to take their advice either.

So give your advice with detachment.

And if you follow the rest of these tips, you’ll find you have better relationships with those you care about, you’ll have more energy because you’re conserving it and not throwing it in all directions, and you’ll be happier because you’re releasing expectations of others from your mental capacity.

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What it Means to Wait for the Invitation as a Projector

When most people find out that they’re a Projector in Human Design, they get discouraged.

We see the “Wait for the Invitation” as our strategy, and it’s like our worst fear is being realized: We can’t give advice to everyone because they don’t want it from us. And we need to wait for them to come to us for advice in a specific way.

Ouch.

If you’re like me, this caused you to have a mini ego-death.

Since we were kids, we just see everything that’s wrong in the world.

We see how it could be better — much, MUCH better.

We’re efficient.

With the low-level of energy we have (not as low as you might think, but that’s a topic for another day), we try to conserve it and save on time while at it.

And when we see others wasting their time or energy on something that could be easily tweaked to make it 10x more efficient, of course we want to help them and tell them!

So reading that we need to “wait for the invitation” and sit here and watch as other people all around us make so many mistakes… it’s like torture.

A bit melodramatic, eh? Perhaps. But it’s still true.

But what does “wait for the invitation” really mean?

Thankfully, it’s not as strict as it might seem.

“Wait for the Invitation”

First, what does this NOT mean?

  • This DOESN’T mean you have to sit around doing absolutely nothing while you wait.
  • This DOESN’T mean you can’t post on IG, FB, or other social media platforms about your ideas.
  • This DOESN’T mean your opinion isn’t needed.
  • This DOESN’T mean you have to wait for a formal invitation in the mail (though sometimes, for events, that may be a thing, but not for every situation)

If that doesn’t cheer you up a bit already, I know when we break this all down it will. So let’s take a look at what you CAN do and what this DOES mean.

1. You have been given the GIFT of time, energy, and selection.

Waiting for the invitation means that you can sit back and study the things you LOVE. You can master the things you truly care about. And have fun while you’re improving your skills as you “wait” to be invited.

Think about it, would you rather spend your time learning about the things that make you a “nerd” OR constantly be trying to find people who need your help out in the world every day, needing to promote yourself heavily, and talk about yourself 24/7?

My guess is that you’d rather sit back and enjoy the ride.

But then why are we SO engrained to take option 2 before we find Human Design? Because we were taught that if we didn’t “go out and get it, it’ll never come”.

But I have fantastic news for you. That belief is bullshit.

Your energy speaks for you, protects you from the people who aren’t right for you, and gives you the peace and solace to learn anything your heart desires.

2. You can 100% still put yourself, your work, and your passions out there so that people CAN find you when they need you.

Remember how I said you don’t want to be promoting yourself heavily 24/7? I meant in a sleazy, unaligned, yucky feeling way.

Now what you CAN do, is make sure that you are visible.

Which means to find what feels good to YOU and do it.

If you’re an artist, find yourself a platform to showcase your work. This could be Etsy, IG, FB, or many other platforms that are more niche.

If you’re a business constultant, post content on your platform of choice. Are you more of a writer? Perhaps start a blog. Are you a visual person? IG would be great. What about voice and video? Youtube and TikTok are amazing. There’s even podcasts or other voice audio apps.

Seriously, the world is your blank canvas.

What do you TRULY like to do? Do that. And do it in a way that really makes you happy. Because that is how you’re going to find your freedom, fulfillment AND success.

Sounds amazing, right?

If you’re still not yet convinced that being a Projector is a blessing, not a curse, let’s look at the last two points. I think they’ll change your mind.

3. You can still give advice WHENEVER you want to.

Again, remember how I said we aren’t supposed to go around telling people our advice because they don’t want it from us? That’s partially true. Here’s the loop hole:

  • You can give ALL the advice that you want, as long as it’s GENERALIZED or SELF-IMPROVEMENT.

What does that mean?

Well you know how Jenny was telling you about her boyfriend issues and you REALLY wanted to tell her all the red flags about him? If you were to specifically tell her about HIM, without her asking your advice, it’s going to go unheard.

BUT

If you talk about YOUR OWN previous experience with the SAME red flags you’re seeing in him, without trying to “push” the information on her, then she’ll hear you.

Likewise, let’s say you are that business consultant and you want to create content for your audience. You CAN still create content in a GENERALIZED way.

So instead of pointing out one or two people, talk in bigger terms.

Or talk in “I learned this” ways. Self-examples and storytelling from personal experiences.

Talking in generalized terms goes against SO MANY “business rules”, but if you test it out, you might realize it’s the best thing for YOU.

4. An invitation can be direct or indirect.

What does that mean?

A direct invitation is when someone blatantly asks you a question or specifically asks for your advice. Such as “Hey, can you tell me what [this tip] means from your post?”

That’s them recognizing you and asking YOU because they want to learn from YOU.

Another example from the Jenny scenario, is if Jenny was to straight ask you for your advice on the situation. “What would you do?” or “Do you have any advice?”

That’s a direct invitation.

The trickier ones are the energetic invitations. AKA the indirect invitations.

Let’s say you’re in a conference meeting and your boss asks the room for ideas. That’s an energetic invitation because he’s opening the conversation to anyone in the room.

However, it’s a weak indirect invitation. Meaning that even though he opened it up to everyone, that doesn’t mean you jump straight to your novella of ideas right away.

In this case, test the waters out and say one or two things. If you’re invited to share more or elaborate, that’s a direct invitation after an indirect invitation.

Another indirect invitation is how you feel around the person you’re talking to.

If you FEEL like you’re being seen and heard, without forcing yourself to be seen and heard, then you have an indirect invitation from them. Their ENERGY is open to you.

For instance, if you have friends that you hang out with, you already have an invitation with them (usually) and can openly give your advice where you see fit.

There are certain scenarios where you won’t have an open invitation from them, but that’s a topic for another time as well.

As you can see, “waiting for the invitation” is not as strict as it first seemed. It’s actually a blessing.

Because guess what? You GET to save your energy.

You don’t have to fix everyone around you. You can just focus on yourself and enjoy your life.

And when you DO get an invitation, it’ll feel SO much lighter, brighter, and happier within the energy of it.

So, what are you going to do now with all your newfound free time and the extra energy?

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The One Thing That Comes Before An Invitation As a Projector

As a projector, I’m sure you know the importance now of waiting for an invitation in doing what you do best — giving advice. However, if you don’t, you may want to take a quick peek at the blog post I wrote about invitations a few days ago. You can find it here.

But what isn’t talked about a lot is the thing that comes before an invitation, and it actually commonly gets misconstrued as an invitation.

I’m talking about… RECOGNITION.

What is Recognition?

Recognition is what you get from someone who truly SEES your genius and learns from you.

It’s when someone DM’s you and says “Thank you for creating this!”

It’s when your friend says that they love having you as their friend.

It’s when your teacher says they were happy you contributed in class today.

Recognition comes in many different forms, and just like invitations, it can be direct or indirect.

However, just because someone recognizes you DOESN’T mean that’s an invitation.

Wait, what?

Yep. As if deciphering an invitation wasn’t already hard enough, now we throw recognition into the mix.

But fear not, because I DO have a surefire way to help you decipher between the two going forward.

So let’s say that as a young projector, you’ve been told over and over again that the people around you don’t want your opinion.

I know, it sounds harsh, but a lot of projectors actually go through this.

Let’s say you are used to either getting backlash for trying to help others with your advice, or people try to ignore you now because they know you’ll try to tell them a better way to do something.

After years of this when we’re younger, we learn a few things that AREN’T true but FEEL true:

  1. When I give my opinion, I actually hurt others.
  2. If I reach out to anyone, they’re going to ignore me.
  3. I’m going to get rejected if I say what I truly feel.

Now, yes there are other things that we learn that deal deeper with our self-worth, but that’s a topic for another time.

The point is that we get so used to being shut down that we inadvertently have this complex in our minds that we need others approval before doing something — anything.

Enter, the Projector Paradox.

The Projector Paradox

The Projector Paradox is a term I made up, so you won’t find others using it. But let me explain why this is such a paradox.

Imagine being so observant to what others are doing that you could help them by telling them a better way to save time and energy.

Except, you can’t tell them because they haven’t recognized you — meaning that they won’t actually hear anything you say until they’ve recognized you.

But you still see it.

And they’re still wasting their time and energy.

What do you do?

Hence, the Projector Paradox. Which I guess could also be called the Invitation Paradox or the Recognition Paradox, depending on your preference.

The even crazier part here is that even if you WERE recognized by them, that doesn’t mean they’re open to your advice still.

Which just adds another layer onto the entire paradox!

I don’t know about you, but my head is spinning.

So let’s get out of the damn paradox, and find what we can do and what recognition is all about.

Recognition is your confirmation.

Treat recognition as your confirmation from the universe, (higher power, God, whatever you want to call it), that you’re heading in the right direction and that you’re on you life purpose path.

Recognition is someone else telling you they value you.

They value what you do, how you’ve helped them, and what you bring.

Recognition happens both before AND after an invitation.

We tend to speak about invitations and recognition like it’s a one time thing. But it’s not. We’re in a constant cycle of it.

Recognition happens, then an invitation, then recognition again, then another invitation, and so on.

Someone can recognize you for different topics you are knowledgeable about.

They can recognize you for different levels they didn’t realize you knew about those topics.

So, as you can see, recognition is NOT an invitation to give advice, but rather a gratefulness for YOU as a person, doing what you do.

What do we do with this?

As I’ve said, recognition comes both before and after an invitation. And there’s a way around recognition so that you can just continually receive invitations without needing formal recognition.

What’s that?

RECOGNIZE YOURSELF FIRST.

Yes.

Again, seriously.

Recognize yourself, your value, your genius, and your worth first.

When YOU recognize yourself, you’re CONFIDENT in what you say, what you do, and, ultimately, you’re confident in WHO YOU ARE.

Your energy is your greatest billboard. It speaks for you.

When you’re confident, you show it.

When you’re confident, you speak up.

When you’re confident, you allow yourself to shine.

And how do you become confident?

You RECOGNIZE YOURSELF.

The Projector Paradox 2.0

Another layer that I hadn’t told you yet was that you actually DON’T NEED others recognition.

You need YOUR OWN recognition.

And when you recognize yourself, you actually start to put yourself out there and you allow others to find you.

When you allow others to find you, you add value and bring impact to people’s lives.

When you add value and impact to people’s lives they want to invite you because they can tell that YOU’RE ready for the invitation.

Recognition is merely a step for you to show up and stand up to say “I’m ready for invitations.”

And once you really absorb and feel this to be true, you’ll start to see the shift.

Because all you ever needed was to recognize yourself first.

So what are you ready to be recognized for?

Recognize yourself first, and see what changes you make that then allows others to experience the you that is ready to be invited.

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Confused on What to Do? Here’s a Way Out

Confusion usually comes up for us when we are resisting something.

We ALWAYS know what’s best for us and what’s the right next step for us. We’re Co-Creators in our lives. We have the 100% choice on what we do and when. And if you think about it, when you finally decide something, how long does it take for you to implement? Not very long (at least as long as you don’t allow fear or worry to stop you, but that’s a topic for a different time).

Confusion, when it’s about our own path, seems like we need more information before we can make a decision. However, more information actually leads to analysis paralysis.

Because whatever you WANT to do will have information to support it. But there will ALSO be information that is unsupportive.

That’s why we tend to have confirmation bias; where when we’re looking for supportive information of our opinion or desire, we find it and take it as truth, because it was what we WANTED to find. We’ll go deeper into confirmation bias in the future as well.

But there’s a few things that can help you get unstuck or out of the confusion quicker than simply “waiting” for the answer.

Ask yourself questions to journal

We can’t process things completely in our minds — even though our minds like to think we can. But just check in with how many times only processing in your mind has actually led you to the right answer. My guess is that you either weren’t able to finish processing OR you got into overthinking and decided to either do nothing or you acted impulsively.

No shame, no guilt. It just is what it is and it’s the same for everyone.

So to get out of this loop, break out a piece of paper and get writing.

Transferring your thoughts to paper not only help you see it outside of you, but it gives you a new perspective on it as a whole when you can then process the information you PREFER to write down.

The way you write something is slightly different than the way you speak or think about it.

That’s why some people are speakers and some people are writers. Usually you have a preference of one or the other.

And if you’re a speaker and prefer to process out loud, find yourself a trusted friend or advisor to help hear you out, NOT TO INSERT THEIR OPINION, but to simply help you get out what you need to and ask you questions to help you find your truth.

This is actually a very big reason people hire coaches; because coaches (depending on the coach, that is) but for the most part, coaches are there to help guide you to your core truth. That’s at least what I do as a coach, because NO ONE knows what you want to do more than you. There’s just mental blocks or something in the way, and I help remove that block.

Anyways back to the point.

Get your thoughts out of your head. Whether that’s in a journal or with someone else who you can trust to help you get to your core truth.

What questions can I ask myself?

The questions you ask yourself heavily depend on the situation you’re going through, but here’s a few generic ones that usually work for MOST situations.

  • What am I deciding?
  • Why is this decision important?
  • What is my fear for choosing either option? (or all the options, however many there are, what are the fears for each option?)
  • Which option would I choose if there were no negative consequences and it went as well as it could?
  • What part of me is telling me that I can’t go this way or that it won’t go well?

Essentially, you’re going to be looking for any catastrophizing, any limiting beliefs, any ego fears for safety from perceived danger, etc.

You could even give these questions to your trusted person to ask you as well.

And make sure you’re being 100% honest with yourself as well! If you aren’t fully honest and open about your answers, you’ll be keeping yourself in confusion and just wasing your time. So be 100% open and honest with yourself!

What if journaling it out doesn’t help?

If journaling it out doesn’t help, there are either of two things that can be at play here.

1. You might not be 100% open and honest in your answers.

When you’re being truly open and honest in your journaling session, you can find the root cause of the confusion. But some people aren’t used to this type of deep dive within themselves yet, and that’s okay. If it’s not working for you, it may be time to get someone to process with you, such as a friend, a close family member, a coach, a therapist, whoever you trust to help you walk through the situation and help you find the blocks and remove them. Remember: without their personal bias or opinion.

2. You may be too close to the situation to see it clearly.

Again, this happens to everyone. There’s things I go to my coach about, and things I process through myself. It just depends on what it is. So if you’ve tried journaling it out and it doesn’t work, don’t blame yourself for not being able to figure it out. It’s normal. And most likely, it just means that you deeply care about the situation. That’s a good thing! But not being able to see it clearly and make a decision is even more important in these instances. So find some support! Call your best friend. Schedule a coffee chat with them. Do something with the person you trust and ask if they can help you process this situation.

I know there’s a handful of people that don’t like seeking out help, but let me lovingly point out that not seeking out help is actually limiting you from making strides forward in your life. Would you rather stay stagnant and unable to make this decision for an indeterminate amount of time? Or put the pride aside and ask for help to figure it out much quicker?

But if you’re still against asking for help, here’s another way that’s really helped me and my clients in the past.

Commit to a “Day of Total Presence

This is what I called it when I did this for myself the first time and the name just stuck from then on when I recommended it to my clients and friends.

A Day of Total Presence is exactly what it sounds like. Let me explain.

You know how most of the time we’re on autopilot going through our day? Or we get constantly distracted by social media, people, thinking about the past, worrying about the future, all that super fun stuff?

A Day of Total Presence is the exact opposite.

It’s where you commit from morning to night to be present in the moment of what you’re doing.

Where when you drink your coffee in the morning, you are solely focused on drinking that cup of coffee.

When you’re scrolling on social media, you’re focused on each post that you scroll by.

And as you go through this day, you don’t plan ahead. You just FLOW with what you want to do, when you want to do it.

Meaning mindless tv is out the window! If you’re watching tv, you’re focused and actually WATCHING it.

Nothing in this day is autopilot. At least to the best of your ability.

Why a Day of Total Presence?

When we spend too much time in the past or the future, we lose focus and meaning of what NOW is.

Except, everything that is reality is happening NOW.

So bringing yourself back into the present moment reconnects you to WHO. YOU. ARE.

Confusion is based on the fact that we don’t know which way to go. Which to some degree, means we don’t know who we are.

Think about it. If you’re a singer, you sing. If you’re a writer, you write.

If you’re the type of person who drinks coffee, you drink coffee. If you’re the type of person who hangs out with their friends on the weekend, that’s exactly what you do.

Confusion about a decision comes from not knowing which identity we want to be. A person who does the thing, or a person who doesn’t and does the other thing.

And you’ll find that if you feel exhausted, drained, burned out, etc. most of the time, it’s because you actually DON’T want to do the thing you’re forcing yourself to do.

And noticing this brings up all sorts of limiting beliefs, which we won’t go into here because that’s a long list, but recognize that if you’re feeling this way, you may be ready to stop doing it or choose something else.

I’ll gve you an example from my own life.

What does this look like?

I had to take a Day of Total Presence recently because I had set myself a morning and day routine but I just felt SO exhausted and drained of energy, that I didn’t end up doing ANY of it.

Through my own journaling I found that I was dreading the routine, but I couldn’t figure out why.

So I decided to take this day to reconnect with myself.

I did everything that day intentionally, I allowed myself the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do.

I ended up starting to learn a new language, starting to look up singing practices, and got rid of my entire routine that I had mentally chosen before this day.

I noticed what I did that day and when.

I then took THAT day and structured it as my new routine. Because clearly, that’s the way my energy was flowing best and having the most fun.

And low and behold — ALL of my exhaustion went away. I was no longer drained. I had energy and excitement to do the things I wanted to.

And ALL of this came from just one day of total presence.

I know that eventually when my energy shifts again, it’ll be time to take another day of total presence to figure out how to structure it next. It’s an ever-flowing process because you’re an ever-changing human being.

You aren’t the same person you were a year ago. And if you are, it may be time for a change or a refresh.

The bottom line

When you feel confused, you don’t need to tell yourself “I don’t know!” or “I can’t figure it out!”

Because yes, you can. It’s just whether or not you will ALLOW yourself to figure it out.

I’ve just given you three fantastic tools.

Put them into use and see how your life changes and shifts to be what you truly want.

So, have you tried any of these before? Or have you found something that helps you out of confusion that I didn’t add to this list? Let me know!